A Word From Our Elders

Peanuts. Peanuts. Peanuts, gum? I tried to stay focused. My roommate waited for me at checkout as I hurried down the aisle at Smith’s.
I grabbed Orbit’s sweet mint in my left hand and Planter’s peanuts in my right, turned on my heel, slipped slightly and rushed back to Stacey M.

Two-thirds of the way down the red-flannel-shirted geriatric exclaimed loudly, “She’ll kill me if I don’t get the right one.”

I blinked and glanced to my right, wrong move. He took that as a sign of my commitment to the conversation and proceeded, “I never know which is the right one. But this light ranch looks good.”

Stunned and wanting to respect my elders I smiled brightly and humored him by saying, “Seems like a fine pick.” Again wrong move.

He turned and now stood face to face with me, probably better for his neck but now I was trapped.

“Can I ask you something?” he says. My smile stays put. “How do you feel about the outcome of our election?”

Obviously he had not read about my feelings—I guess my internet stalkers only recently developed. I summed it up by saying I’m ok with it all.

“Let me tell you how I chose,” he continued, his bright blue eyes sparkling. “I’m not Republican or Democrat so I wanted to pick the one who’d be best. Intelligence. I looked at their IQ scores. Obama was top of his class at Harvard. John was bottom of his class at Annapolis. And Sarah, well she lives on Mars. That’s why I voted for Obama. We need someone in there with intelligence to fix the mess.”

So the red flannel did not correspond to political party affiliation, but it did blend nicely with the red I Voted sticker. My civically minded friend pulled a rolled stack of papers from his pocket. He offered me one sheet, prepping me by explaining that he drew a cartoon the night of the election. Copyrighted I’m sure so I can’t reproduce it here, but John’s blood pressure declined and Sarah looked forward to a career in comedy. (Insert laugh) Still smiling I said goodbye and thanked him silently for the imparted wisdom. Too bad the advice came four days late.