Tuesday, March 23, 2010


This actually happened a week ago, but I'm about to be faced with the same dilemmia of using my cell phone while watching a movie in the dark abyss of a dollar theatre.

Probably you as the reader and fellow champion of law abiding behavior scowled and rolled your eyes over that last comment. Who does that?! you thought unwilling to read further and unable not to quit. I do that just as you most likely check a text when watching a semi-interesting movie in the darkened comfort of your home entertainment center. 

But you are right about one thing  it was wrong. So wrong, in fact, that a movie steward a.k.a. Hater of FUN instructed me to turn of my phone. I immediately jumped and threw my hand toward her face, for all I knew the Shadow Man from the Disney movie had somehow found my unaware. 

And before I could comment on the fact that there were exactly two people in the theatre, my companion and I, the moviemonger manager had disappeared...into the SHADOWS.

So I'm going back tomorrow and if I am one of two people in the theatre I will pull my phone out and use the flashlight as a warning to the staff.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

You Don't Know Me

I'm about to blurt and you're about to read it. He's trying to engage me, not in the ceramics-painting-art-is-fun-way or the you-will-learn-to-snowboard-without-injury-way but in the lifelong-teamwork-have-my-babies-way. I blame my cousin Kellie's farewell where he developed baby lust after looking at my little cousins. Just glad he didn't try to take one home.

So in this new life adventure I'm supposed to help procure the most amazing jewelry commitment. A ring I will wear everyday for the rest of my life. It's got to fit every situation and outfit, not only for my current lifestyle but for all fashion and career choices in my future. Terrifying task. I know diamonds and gems are timeless now but in 10, 20, 30, 40 years will that hold true? Probably, it's the golden anniversary I'm worried about. I'll be creeping on 80 and the last thing I'll want is a huge slab of weight on my finger, instead I'd like a cozy crocheted knuckle warmer.

This one decision has kept me up long nights and given me ulcers, until I stumbled on a ring quiz developed for the guy who wanted to capture an unsuspecting girl. I figured I'd let the professionals find my perfect ring and all I had to do was answer four simple questions about me.

Who knew I'd fail? I took, retook and mathematically tried every possiblity ((f)x:4!). Each time a beautiful diamond ring I'd slit my wrists over flashed before me like a punishment. He took it one time and sent me proof of his A+, a ring nearly identical in design to what I'd said I liked.

Question one: dream getaway? outdoor adventure, uptown venues, beach. Umm...what is it I like. I've done them all and loved them all so I sat stumped. It's not like there was only one such getaway that I spent my savings on.
His correct answer: beach

Question two: shoes she always wears? athletic kicks, stiletto heels, bare feet. Hmm. Love heels. Barefoot gives me blisters. An athlete I'm not. I tapped my Vans covered toes on the floor debating between bare and heels. Never mind the brown skate shoes I take off every time I go to someone's home.
His correct answer: athletic.

Question three: favorite concert? loud wild boy music, soft slow snoring music, or Breezy music. I got this one because in the example they listed one band whose concert I've been to and another that I have both alblms of.
His correct answer: Underground indie.

Question four: celebrity style? casual, trendsetter, fabulous. No clue. I don't know what my lack of style is. So I decided that all the Gap clothing forced on me by my sisters years ago defined me—casual. Wrong. And those designer gowns I strut around in made me feel fabulous. Wait, no longer in high school trying on prom dresses. Instead I take cues from rock stars who throw on weird accessories and dark colors.
His correct answer: trendsetter.
The Ring

Finally an approximation to the perfect ring. But it's not because I had already found my perfect ring. Others might not see the 4c's but those who know me will fall in love with it (for me).

Maybe you do know me.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Dear Body

You seem to have forgotten some basic rules so I'm refreshing your memory on "normalcy".

When fifty blankets cover you it is OK to stop shivering,. Really, midnight is not the time to burn the extra calories.

Speaking of calories, I'm fine with leaving food in the digestive tract for digestive purposes for two or more hours. It takes more than that for you to grab the nutrients and use them accordingly. I find you, you gain strength. Anything else is unacceptable.

Water rentention is welcomed in the desert...I'm just saying.

The retainer straightens your teeth. It is not a jaw-locking mechanism.

Bloodshot eyes do not become you. Right back to that whole hold in the moisture thing we were talking about. Oh and maybe the late nights begat early mornings thing.

Just a reminder that you will be here in 50 more years and there will be more chats if you don't control yourself.